Three Swordsmen and a Baby
by meltina
Summary: Roy, Link, and Marth are put to the ultimate test: babysitting! Will they survive the ordeal? Complete.
1. Default Chapter

Three Swordsmen and a Baby 

**Obligatory Disclaimer:** This just in: Nintendo owns everything here (except maybe the baby but that's nothing worth writing home about).  
**Author's Notes:** I don't know what caused me to write this… Please excuse the quality of this fic---I wrote this while at work. ^^;

***

"Aw, he's so cute!"

"Isn't he just the most precious thing?"

"Can I hold him?"

"Sure!"

Roy watched the exchange of "aww's" and squeals and cutesy faces between the three Princesses from his spot on a comfortable sofa in the hotel lounge. He never understood females' tendencies to squeak at every little thing. He could never understand their fascination with 'cute' things and infants, either. The thought of that made him roll his eyes and he couldn't help but point his finger down his throat, pretending to gag. 

Beside him sat the Hylian hero known as Link. He snickered at his younger friend's antics. The snickering was loud enough to be heard by the trio of females, however.

The boldest one of the three approached Roy and Link, her hands planted on her hips. The layers of her milk chocolate colored hair bounced with her every step. She took a defiant place directly in front of the television the two males were watching, thus blocking their view.

"Hey! C'mon, Daisy! We're trying to watch Marth's match here!" Roy's voice was on the verge of whining.

Link craned his neck to the side to try and glance past the Princess of Sarasaland and her incredibly bright yellow dress. "Seriously; we're missing the whole thing!"

"Well, first tell me what's with your attitude. Can't Zelda, Peach, and I look after a baby?" Daisy asked them.

"Of course you can look after the baby," Roy said, "but it's your cooing and plain-ol' girly mushy stuff that's sickening us." The redhead began to make faces that somewhat resembled that of the Princesses when they were tickling the baby, as if to prove his point.

Zelda and Peach came by; in the arms of the latter was the infant in question within his bundle of thin blue blankets. The blondes stood on either side of Daisy, much to the boys' chagrin.

"Sickening, huh?" all of three of them asked in unison.

"Aw, c'mon! This is ridiculous!" Link groaned. He had given up trying to watch the remainder of his friend's match with Falco Lombardi and turned off the television with a press of the remote's button. 

Zelda folded her arms. "So you guys think this maternal 'girly mushy stuff' makes you sick?"

"I don't think it does," Roy said. He smirked. "I *know* it does."

Daisy had to be restrained by her friends from attacking the teenager.

"I mean, geez. He's just a little baby; it's not like you're carrying around the Messiah or the remains of King Tut," Roy went on to say, rolling his eyes. "No need to sugar-coat the poor little guy like that."

"How can you not squeal at him?" Peach lowered her arms to allow Roy and Link a better look at the sleeping infant. "Isn't my little cousin the most darling thing you've ever seen?"

Link peered at the baby's tranquil face. "…His nose is running---well, it *ran*."

In alarm, Peach hurried to the nearest rest room to clean up the tiny mess around the baby's nose. 

Roy smirked once again. "Oh yeah, dried up boogers on a baby's nose has *got* to be the 'most darling thing I've ever seen'!" He snickered and turned to Link, utilizing an extremely high-pitched voice---obviously, he was mocking the girls. "Oh, Linky, mucous is pouring out of his itty bitty widdle nostwils! Quick! Take a picture! I have to send a copy of it to all my friends!"

An amused Link mimicked Roy's voice. "Oh yes! And then, after we squeal and coo at the pictures, we can start talking about how cute it is to change his cutesy diaper! Tee hee!"

The males then broke into howls of laughter. The mirth and humor of the situation (in their eyes, anyway) deflected the pain of the pillow whacks Daisy gave them. A far more reserved Zelda pinched the bridge of her nose, exasperated and perhaps embarrassed with the displayed immaturity. 

Peach was exiting the restroom when she heard the silly exchange. "Boys will never learn," was her only comment.

That made Link stop his laughter altogether. Daisy was still thwapping Roy with the pillow, though. "And what's that supposed to mean, Peach?" he asked above the volume of Roy's laughter.

"Exactly what I said." Peach mused and focused more of her attention on the baby in her arms.

"I think what she means to say is that you boys will never understand the love and attention and hard work women put into looking after babies," Zelda answered the inquiry Link had in mind.

The tomboyish Daisy stopped pummeling Roy, seeing as how she wasn't doing any damage to him anyway. "Precisely!" 

"Oh please," Roy managed to say while massaging his sore facial muscles and catching his breath. "Hard work? Give me a break!"

"Changing diapers, feeding, dressing, making formula, putting a baby to sleep…" Zelda counted each of the uttered tasks off a slender gloved finger. 

Link looked at the Princess of Hyrule, incredulously. "You think *that's* hard work?" Zelda nodded. "Sounds more like child's play," he said, "no pun intended."

"Ohhhh…" Daisy couldn't help but sneer at Link and Roy. She felt the desire of issuing a challenge bubbling up inside her at the start of their conversation and now, she couldn't contain it any longer. Of course, she wouldn't flat out issue one. She'd instigate. "So, what you're saying is: you can look after a baby, no sweat?"

"Precisely!" Roy mocked Daisy's voice and jubilance, and saw her bristle. "In fact," he added, "we'll look after this little tyke while you ladies take a load off and hang out at the mall."

Alarmed at what pickle Roy's reckless babbling might have gotten them into, Link looked sharply towards him. The redheaded youth, however, had a stretching smirk plastered on his face. He was oblivious to whatever arguments Link had toward the situation.

Daisy, Zelda, and Peach, on the other hand, had similar smirks playing about their own faces. "Oh really?" they practically sang out together, like some barbershop quartet---minus the fourth member, of course.

Roy nodded.

Link wanted to leap out of the window.

"Well! Since you've offered so nicely," Peach said sweetly. Carefully, she leaned over and handed the sleeping baby over to Roy, who took the cute bundle into his arms, albeit awkwardly. He wasn't used to holding a baby just yet. 

As the girls began gathering their purses and whatnot, Peach conveyed all of the details toward Link and Roy. "He's not allergic to anything---"

"Peach…"

"---There are diapers and formula and food and other stuff in the giraffe print bag on that chair over there…"

"Hey, Peach…"

"My contact is scribbled on the paper in there and---"

"PEACH!"

Roy's shout halted the three women in their tracks and startled the slumbering baby from his sleep. Scared beyond his wits at this redheaded stranger clutching him, the baby only did what he did best. 

He wailed at the top of his lungs.

The females shared a silent moment of satisfaction, seemingly unaffected by the screaming whereas Link winced and clamped his hands over his sensitive Hylian ears. Roy muttered something about airheads and muffled the baby's cries with a blue pacifier.

"Hee hee. –Ahem-… I'm sorry. What were you trying to tell me?" Peach tried to control her fit of giggles. And failed. Somewhat.

Roy didn't find the situation very funny. He stared at her with a deadpan gaze. "What's the baby's name?"

Watching Roy regard her with such a stare while rocking a baby in his arms like if it were second nature proved to be just short of downright hilarious for Peach and her friends. They nearly broke down into giggles again. "It's Loki."

"Loki, huh? With a name like that, he won't cause any trouble or mischief at all," Link said with a roll of his blue eyes.

"Oh, it'll be fun." Zelda mused on her way to the exit. 

Peach and Daisy followed suite, waving at them. "Toodles!" 

When the door closed behind the ladies, Link took the opportunity to deliver a quick and light whap to the back of Roy's head.

"Ow! What was that for!?"

"Smooth move, Ex-Lax!" Link snarled. "Now look what you've gotten us into!"

"Hey, you were on my side the entire time! If it bothered you, you should've said something!"

"There're two things in this world. One is testosterone and the other is a man's pride. Get what I'm saying?"

Roy rolled his eyes and slumped as carefully as he could back onto the plush sofa. "Puh. We're only going to watch a sleeping kid anyway," he said, peering down at Loki's visage. "And the girls'll be back in a few hours. Just relax."

"Doesn't his name make you the tiniest bit uncomfortable?"

"Take a chill pill, man. And put on ESPN. Captain Falcon's racing in the F-Zero Grand Prix again."

Link sighed exasperatedly and turned the television on to the desired programming. Just as he did that, Marth made his way into the hotel lounge, freshly showered and changed after his tournament match with that Falco fellow. His confident stride and smirk were evidence of his victory. His whistling to the tune of "Bad to the Bone" kinda proved that too.

"Got a Half-Minute Man KO, da da ra da da. And sent that birdman flying, da da ra da da. Gonna make it---" Marth *had* to pause and double-take at the sight of a *baby* asleep in Roy's arms and a very upset looking Link seated beside them. He gawked. "And here I thought those paternity suits filed against you were false, Link…"

Marth dodged a thrown sofa cushion.  "What gives?" he asked with a frown.

"Oh, it's nothing," Roy nonchalantly replied, not bothering to take his eyes off the television's screen. "We're babysitting Peach's baby cousin for a few hours, that's all."

"WHAT!?"

Link grumbled and folded his arms, sinking further into the cushions of the couch. "My sentiments exactly…"

"Hush!" Roy held his index fingers to his lips. "You'll wake Loki up!"

"Loki!?" Marth repeated with disbelief. He exasperatedly threw his hands up into the air as he took a seat in between the blonde and the redhead. "Oh, what a wonderful name!"

"See!?" Link regarded Roy with a look and pointed his thumb at Marth. "Even he agrees: this child is a Trojan horse!"

"Whatever. Just be quiet." Roy turned back to the television. Link and Marth were forced to do the same.

Nothing but silence dwindled about the hotel lounge save for the sounds of the television, that is, until Marth audibly sniffed the air around them. Link and Roy peered at him curiously but said nothing. He glanced to either swordsman, dubiously. "Did one of you fart…?"

Link held both of his hands up and shook his head. "It wasn't me. *I* didn't have baked beans for lunch, unlike Mr. Mom over there…"

"Feh! It wasn't me," Roy argued. He cast an admonishing glare in Marth's direction. "Whoever knew it, blew it!"

Marth folded his arms. "Well, it wasn't me…"

A few moments passed and the awful smell lingered on. The smell reached Link's nostrils and he could only withstand it for so long. "Dang nabbit, Marth! Did you put onions in your hotdogs today!?" 

"IT WASN'T ME!"

"The smell is coming from your direction!"

"It's probably bouncing offa me and back onto you!"

While the elder males argued between themselves, Roy curiously peered at Loki. The infant stirred a little in his sleep and Roy knew that it was only a matter of minutes before he'd fully wake up and start crying. To test his hypothesis, he lifted the child before him, held him high, and sniffed the air around him.

Link paused in the middle of his quarrel and regarded Roy with tipped left eyebrow. Marth did the same, except with his right.

"Gentlemen," Roy announced, "I believe I've found our culprit."

***

**A/N:** X) I can be so cruel towards my three favorite guys, yes I can. Chapter 2 to this is in the works. Please let me know what you think of this, 'mm kay?  
mature@fanfiction.net


	2. Chapter 2

**Three Swordsmen and a Baby!**

**Disclaimer:** Miss Cleo, Dionne Warwick, and LaToya Jackson have all predicted that I'd take ownership of all the characters in this fic away from Nintendo. Needless to say, their predictions have proved wrong.  =\  
**Author's Notes:** *screeches* 16 reviews for the first chapter! I am sooooooo elated! I seriously thought no one was going to like this! Glad I was wrong! Thanks a bunch! As promised, here's Chapter 2! Please R/R!

***

"Man, that smells."

"Well, poop was never known to be powdery fresh, Link."

"Shut up. …Hey, who's going to do this?"

"Not me!"

"Roy! You punk!"

"Heh heh! So, I guess you gotta do it, Lin---hey, where are you going?"

"I just remembered, I…um…gotta…tape an episode of Golden Girls for Fox. Sophia tricks Rose, Blanche, and Dorothy into going to this place called Florida. Great episode, man…!"

"I gotta fix up the formula *and* feed him later, so," Roy paused and glanced in the direction of his blue-haired friend, "you're going to have to do it, Marth." 

"Why me!?"

"Didn't you hear?" Roy sighed the exasperated type of sigh parents use when they're trying to explain something complex to their inquisitive children. It was condescending. "Link has to tape Golden Girls and I have to prepare the food. Everyone's gotta do something but you. So you're qualified for the task."

The surface of Marth's skin grew very hot and he flushed a deep crimson…with anger. He gave his friends Link and Roy a heated glare before focusing his attention to the baby lying upon his back on the changing table before him. He reached forward with trembling hands, slowly, as if he were approaching a wild doe out in the forest in the middle of hunting season.

Roy and Link were nearby and silently watching Marth remove the white diaper from Loki's tiny body. The adhesive that kept the diaper in place came off with a slow and audible stretching sound that echoed throughout the hotel lounge. It finally came off in its entirety.

The intense smell nearly drove all three males backward.

Loki giggled.

"My eyes are watering!" Roy clamped his hands over his face.

"Dear Din, Nayru, and Farore!" Link exclaimed. Instantly, his hands came over his nose. "The wallpaper's gonna start peeling!"

"I hate you both," Marth growled. As far as he was concerned, Roy and Link had it easy. *They* weren't stuck changing diapers. And he didn't even know why they were watching the kid in the first place! _The trials and tribulations of being an innocent bystander_, he thought with an inward sigh.

Suddenly, something caught his eye and he turned his head away, flinching in disgust.

"What? What is it?" Roy asked, concerned.

Marth looked like he had swallowed a sour kumquat. Whole. "…It's the poop."

"What?" Link asked sardonically. "You were expecting petunias?"

Link winced when Marth's foot swung into his calf.

"No you doofus," Marth snapped, keeping the flinched look on his face. "It's…"

Roy lifted his eyebrows, expecting his friend to continue on. "It's…?"

"It's green."

"EWW, MAN!"

Loki giggled again.

"What have they been feeding him!?" Link exclaimed. His hands were still over his nose. "Green eggs and ham!?"

"Actually, you're not far from the truth. It's 'Gerber Baby's First Foods'," Roy said as he withdrew a small jar of baby food from within the giraffe-patterned baby bag Princess Peach had left behind for them and read the contents on its label. "Shouldn't your baby be a Gerber baby?"

Marth simply glared. "I don't care about that. Just hand me another diaper, powder, and baby wipes."

Roy did as he was told. Marth took the offered items and began to work. Actually, he more or less pondered on what to do. His silence tempted Link to comment. "Hey," the Hylian said, "y'know, you oughtta start by removing the dirty diaper first."

"GO WATCH GOLDEN GIRLS!"

Roy couldn't contain his laughter, and as much as he tried to hide it with the palm of his hand, some snickers forced their way out of his mouth; it sounded like he had suppressed a very loud sneeze. Loki found the combination of Marth's outburst and Roy's futile attempt to keep from laughing downright hilarious. The baby began giggling uncontrollably. 

This only proved to harm Link's pride. "Just tryin' to help…"

A few curses were uttered under Marth's breath as he wiped the giggling baby completely clean and sprinkled him with the white baby powder. He took hold of Loki's ankles and managed to dress him with a fresh, new diaper, with only a little bit of trouble on the baby's behalf. When his task was completed, Marth breathed a sigh of relief and wiped the small beads of sweat that had formed on his brow. He took a step back and admired his work.

"Finally," he said, "finished!"

"Um, Marth?"

Marth turned to Roy, blinking. "What?"

"You put the diaper on backwards."

"Aww crap…"

Some time had gone by after Marth's horrific experience with changing Loki's diaper. The Prince of Altea had used about three diapers with plenty of unsuccessful results (and struggling from little Loki) before he, at long last, mastered the art of placing a diaper on a baby…the correct way. After the change, he washed his hands profusely and vowed to never father a child. Whether he was bluffing or not remained a mystery to his friends.

After Marth's ordeal, Roy had more success when he had prepared Loki's baby formula. The only flaw of that labor came when the infant refused to drink what the redhead had prepared for him. Roy grew exasperated with him but understood that a baby like Loki was too fickle and would soon change his mind about his appetite. In the meantime, however, Link was given the responsibility of holding and playing with the six-month-or-so-old infant, regardless of whether he liked it or not.

"Tell me again," the handsome blonde droned as he traipsed about the Super Smash Hotel's lounge, Loki lying contentedly in his arms. "Why am I stuck with carrying him around?"

"Because you lied, Link," Roy replied while removing the jarred baby food as well as a small and cute spoon from the bag. 

"I did *not* lie."

"Yeah you did. You said you had to tape an episode of Golden Girls for Fox McCloud," Roy countered.

"And…?"

"The show has been off the air for years!"

"Okay, true. But why not ask Marth to do it? He's better with the kid."

At the moment, Marth was seated in a reclining chair, his legs crossed in a masculine sort of way and an issue of Swords Magazine in his palms. "Don't even dare," he replied while nonchalantly turning a page. His voice was rather low and cool, but there was an almost eerie solemnity in it that forced Link to reconsider.

"And," Roy added, glancing to the wall-clock, "I can't do it because I have to feed him in a few."

Before Link could come up with an excuse to malinger, Loki's miniature fingers reached for an errant strand of the Hylian's blonde hair that hung out from the brim of his trademarked green tuque. The little hand struck gold, so to speak, and finding interest with his new toy, he began to pull sharply on poor Link's hair.  "OW!"

Loki giggled at the sight of Link's wince and pulled again and again, harder each time. Roy and Marth snickered and made no attempt to help him just yet. Gently, Link pried the baby's hand open and away from his silk-like hair; afterwards, he used his free hand to safely tuck all of the strands underneath his tuque. Now that he no longer had a toy to play with, Loki frowned cutely, as he regarded Link's face.

Link noticed this. Maybe the child was actually going to start behaving? _Might as well give the little booger a chance_, he thought with a grin. "Hey, whatcha' staring at me for, huh kiddo?" he asked the baby. "Find something interesting?"

Indeed Loki had. A sparkling, sterling silver object in the shape of a thin circle piercing the flesh of Link's earlobe caught his interest. It was so shiny, and within his tiny reach…  His stubby little hand reached for the hoop and pulled hard, harder than he had with Link's hair.

"OW!!!!" Link jumped up, almost dropping the giggly baby with his initial pain and fright. 

Roy looked up from the baby dinner entrée selection and Marth glanced from over the top of his magazine. "What's wrong?" the former asked.

Link was walking around as if he were possessed by the Holy Ghost, bellowing and nearly crying from the pain induced with Loki's every tug to his exposed and very sensitive Hylian ear. "Ow! It's coming out through the bone! Bleeding! Pain! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Marth lowered his face to hide it behind the cover of the magazine, perhaps to laugh. Roy sighed and made his way over to Link, relieving him of the burden of the baby. "Give him to me… And don't look like that in front of the kid; we're his role models."

"Role models!? That demon incarnate nearly ripped my ear off!" Link heard snickering from Marth's direction. He cast a sharp glance that way. "And what're *you* laughing at!?"

Marth's lips pursed and twisted this way and that. The amusement was evident in both his voice and his expression. "Ohhhhh nothing…"

"Alright, Loki! Time for dinner!" Roy tried to sound as merry as possible, stirring the cute baby spoon within a jar of baby food to mix it up.  

He took a seat opposite the Hotel's borrowed highchair in which the infant sat. A short time after his comical experience with pulling Link's hair and earring, the child had grown bored and showed no signs of hunger. This proved to be a no-no for Loki's bedtime was approaching and if he wasn't asleep by the time the females returned from their shopping trip, the Super Smash Brothers Tournament would lack three competitors come dawn. 

Loki stared at Roy with a deadpan expression. He then glanced to the spoon of food held before him, then back to Roy. His tiny lips curled slightly with disgust. Obviously, he wasn't very hungry at the moment.

"Aw, c'mon. Don't you want some?" Roy paused briefly and glanced at the small jar's label. He made a disgusted face but nevertheless, continued on with his propaganda: "Green Beans!" 

Loki wrinkled his nose.

"It's goooood," Roy gathered a mixture of the greenish brown puree onto the tiny spoon and waved it slightly before the baby.

Loki actually shook his head!

Roy dropped the sweet act. "Look kid, if you don't eat this, Peach will whack me with her frying pan; Daisy will send me flying like a tee at Pebble Beach; and Zelda will barbecue me with that magic spell of hers. So can you cut the crap and eat this for me? Please?"

The infant remained quiet. Roy's hand remained in its feeding position as he slumped and met the surface of the table with his forehead, audibly. _It's hopeless…_

Marth and Link stood up from the sofa after they found no more interest in the game of soccer on television, and stepped over to the grumbling Roy. "Try the airplane thing," Marth suggested.

"Airplane thing?" Roy asked, lifting his head off the table.

"Yeah, you know, you wave the spoon around like an airplane, pretending to fly it and land it in the kid's mouth, also known as the hangar."

_What do I have to lose?_ Roy thought. He shrugged and prepped the spoon for its 'flight'. 

Loki's expression did not change as Roy simulated an airplane in flight with the spoon; the redhead even went so far as to mock up the noises a plane's engine and its pilot makes. When the spoon neared him, Loki reached for it with curious intent. 

"Yeah, that's it!" Roy beamed and cheered him on. "Brrrrrrr… Air traffic tower, this is Captain Roy speaking; requesting a clear runway! Vrrrrrroooom…!"

Suddenly, before any of the three males gathered around the baby could stop him, Loki whacked the spoon away from him with all his might---which wasn't much, but it was enough. The baby food flew off the mirrored surface of the spoon like a boulder off a catapult toward them. Link and Marth reacted quickly and moved out of the way. However, poor Roy did not get that opportunity and within mere seconds, the food landed on his face with an audible *splat*. 

The look on his face was priceless…at least to Link and Marth, who broke out into fits of laughter at the sight of Roy. His eyes were closed in a serene way; his jaw was clenched, as were his lips, and a glob of greenish brown goo slid slowly down his brow. The swordsman made no attempt to wipe the mess off.

Finally, Loki began to laugh that cute yet mischievous laugh he was becoming known for. He clapped his tiny hands together at the hilarious sight in front of him. And when he wasn't clapping, he was thumping his hands on the surface of his highchair's plate.

"See?" Link was the first of the laughing trio to recover, somewhat. He patted Roy heartily on the shoulder and pointed to the laughing Loki. "Even he thinks you're funny, so it's not so bad, right?"

Roy kept his eyes closed but his mouth began to form into a sneer.

"Oh come now," Link said, mocking Roy's earlier tone of voice, "don't look like that in front of the kid; we're his role models, remember?"

Roy's bright eyes snapped open suddenly. He reached for the spoon strewn on the table, scooped up some of the mashed green beans onto it, and shoved it into an unsuspecting Link's mouth in one fell swoop.

Marth literally rolled around on the floor with laughter.

The Hylian's eyes went as wide as saucers. Link's first reaction was to barf up all of the food that had rushed into his mouth, but when he saw Roy smiling devilishly and looking to Loki, he realized he couldn't do such a thing because he was now an example.

"Look, Loki! Uncle Link likes it!" Roy announced with false cheer but complete mischief while pointing to the aforementioned 'example'. He cupped Link's chin with a hand and began raising and lowering it, coaxing the blonde into chewing the food. "Mmmmm…!"

As the saying went, a picture's worth a thousand words. Judging by the way Link glared at Roy, every word in that particular picture was laced with murderous intent.

***  
  
**A/N:** That was so much fun to write! ^^ Do you think it's over for them? Hardly! There are still some things left for them to do. Will the boys manage to overcome the rest of their trials? Or will they break down?  Or…?  Find out in the next installment! (Man, did that sound like a television episode teaser or what?)   
Chapter 3 is coming up! Please tell me whatcha think!  
mature@fanfiction.net

**Omake:** Two more Marth pics for your viewing pleasure! *drools*  
http://www.kyokusanagi.com/marth1.jpg  
http://www.kyokusanagi.com/marth_pose.jpg

Enjoy!  ^_^


	3. Chapter 3

  
**Three Swordsmen and a Baby  
  
  
**

**Disclaimer:** Professor Plum did it! In the library, with the candlestick! He---er, yeah, Nintendo owns everything…  
**Author's Notes:** I really don't deserve such great praise for this. ;-; I love you guys. Here's chapter three!

***

A couple of hours and one changed diaper later, the three unfortunate males known as Link, Marth, and Roy were still left with the duty of looking after the current bane of their existence: the baby cousin of Princess Peach, known to others as Loki and to them as the Devil himself. Roy seriously considered legally changing the infant's name to Satan but knew that Princess Peach would get a little infuriated.

Besides, the legal office wouldn't be able to complete the paperwork before the girls returned anyway.

Link was given the task of dressing Loki for bed. He wrinkled his nose at the bundle of soft baby clothes within the small pile before him on the table. They were of all sorts of colors and patterns and textures. That was one thing he couldn't understand about (and had trouble adjusting to) societies outside that of the Children of the Forest, the Kokiri. Why couldn't they just wear a simple, solid colored…thing and call it a day? Why did they have to wear such extravagant and colorful things anyway? 

_Just green for me, I always say, _he thought as he grabbed the first thing he saw from the pile. A sweater. It was obviously handmade and nearly every color of the rainbow was crocheted into an allover pattern that encircled it.

He adjusted the sweater this way and that, trying to determine which was the proper positioning while Loki, clad in only his diaper, looked at him from his seat in the highchair. Before Link reached over to put the sweater on him, a gloved hand plucked it out of his grasp.

"What in the world is this!?" Roy waved the sweater in his hand as if it were a poisonous snake.

"It's a sweater, Roy," an obviously exhausted Marth said.

Roy sneered at the blue-haired prince seated on the chair. "I know that, smart-ass. I'm just wondering if Link is planning to dress Loki to go to bed or to the friggin' Antarctic!"

Link snatched the sweater back. "What difference does it make?"

"It makes a HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE difference!" Roy flailed his arms. Loki giggled and mimicked him. "See? Even the squirt agrees!"

"Actually, the squirt thinks you look like an orangutan." Marth *had* to put his two cents in.

Roy shot him a look. "Shut up you."

Marth was unaffected by that. He shrugged and continued resting his chin on his palms, awaiting the end of this torture.

"As I was saying… Link, you can't put that hideous sweater on him."

"And why not?" The Hylian countered.

"Because it's too warm for him to wear that and it makes him look fat."

"For crying out loud…!" In his frustration, Link flung the sweater out of the nearest open window. "There! Ya happy now, Roy!?"

Roy smiled widely. "Delirious." He dug through the small mountain of clothes and pulled out a simple and fuzzy looking pair of pale yellow footie pajamas. "Put this on him. It's got its own built-in booties, that way you don't have to put those on too."

"Booties?" Link took the pajamas in hand, shaking his head. "You guys have weird terms and clothing styles."

Marth's head was still lowered when he glanced sideways towards Link. "…Says the one who went Commando throughout his childhood."

"SHUT UP!"

Roy snickered as a grumbling Link turned the pajamas inside out and right side in several times. The blonde looked a bit perplexed by the clothes (for every part of it was practically equal in length), especially the zipper, which he fumbled with a bit before successfully opening it up in its entirety and placing it over Loki's tiny body. Loki could not keep still. His squirming and arm flailing proved to be a handicap for Link but after much struggling, tugging, and cursing on his behalf, the Hylian dressed the infant.

"Ta-da!" With one last upward pull of the zipper, Link declared himself finished with his job.

The room fell silent. There were no words to describe the emotion depicted on Roy's face as he looked to Link's finished work. Disbelief was the closest thing Link could come up with.

The suddenly caustic spoke his mind, though. "Congratulations, Link," he said.

Link smirked. "Heh. Thanks, man. This baby stuff is a piece of cake."

Marth continued droning on, "I always wondered how a baby would look like if you shoved his head through one of the sleeves."

"D'oh!"

The silence in the room lingered, somewhat, as time went on. The ladies hadn't returned and Loki was still awake.

Roy blankly stared ahead at Loki seated atop his highchair. For once, he wasn't wiggling about, crying, or causing the swordsman or his two friends any pain. The infant, in fact, was perfectly still and quiet. Roy was a little worried. 

"Hey," he spoke up, "doesn't he look a little…"

"Demonic?" Marth suggested. He too was staring quietly at the unexpectedly reserved baby and was seated to Roy's immediate right.

"No…"

Link was seated to Roy's left. "Conniving?"

"I was going for constipated," Roy said with a small sigh.

Link titled his head to the side, squinting at and scrutinizing the baby carefully. "He *does* look rather bloated, now that you mention it."

"But I changed his diaper twenty minutes ago. And he doesn't smell…uh…guilty," Marth said.

Roy's auburn eyebrows creased. "Look how his lips're all pouted and stuff…"

"I think he's going to explode." Intuitively, Link eased back, away from Loki.

"I know what to do. We have to burp him! I saw this in an issue of Motherhood Magazine---" Roy paused and noticed Link and Marth who were regarding him with dubious glances. "What…? The line at the supermarket was long and that was the only thing available to read on the checkout shelves while I waited…"

"Riiiiiiiiiight. Sure." Although he nodded, the tone of Link's words combined with the rolling of his eyes spelled it all out: he didn't believe him. 

"Oh, shut up Link!" Roy argued. "You watch Lifetime!"

Link gave the redhead a seething glare that rivaled his own. "I told you: I watch it just for the fascinating movies," the words were forced through gritted teeth.

"Pssh! Yeah right!"

"Like you're one to talk. *You* were the one who was all giddy when you found out the Super Smash Hotel had that Oxygen channel!"

"…And you said you love getting home decorating tips from Martha Stewart!"

"ROY! That was a secret between you and I!"

Under different circumstances, Marth would have been rolling around on the floor, howling with laughter like the neutral monkey in the middle that he always was when it came to Roy and Link's quarrels. However, the Prince was aware that there was a more serious problem pressing them; it somewhat annoyed him that the other two didn't realize the significance of the situation. He cleared his throat and prepared to speak at a high volume.

"Excuse me, Betty and MORON-ica," he announced. The two instantly paused in their argument and looked to him. Whether they were ticked by his outburst did not matter to Marth. As long as he had their attention… "But I believe we have a baby that's about to burst if we don't do anything soon."

After a few seconds of silence, Link grinned towards Roy and spoke of his newfound realization, "Hah, you're Moronica," he teased.

"Say what!?"

"I'm Betty. Betty was blonde. I am blonde. Veronica, or Moronica in this case, was not. You're not. Get it?" Link gestured with his hands, trying to get Roy to think 'out of the box'.

"That's not fair! Just because Veronica was the brunette…"

Marth opened his mouth to retort but cut himself off. Resistance was futile. Whatever the two said after that fell on Marth's deaf ears. He felt a migraine coming on and tried to combat it by massaging his temples with his fingers. The Prince of Altea came to the conclusion that he found Link and Roy's arguments more annoying than competing in a 100 Man Melee. Blindfolded.

"Nevermind," he said lowly to the two of them, knowing full and well they didn't hear a word he said or acknowledge his presence as they quarreled.

Marth stood and walked around the table to gather the infant into his arms. The first thing he did was perform a sniff-test on Loki. _Nope. He still smells like a Johnson & Johnson poster baby. Guess I dohave to burp him…_

He sighed inwardly as he turned the infant about and held his form against his shoulder. Carefully, he tapped his palm against Loki's back with feather-light pressure. He'd seen women do this to their own babies on numerous occasions but never had the firsthand experience before. Marth didn't have a clue as to what to do next or what to expect, so he simply waited.

His first plan of action was to walk away from the table where Link and Roy were arguing about the proper term for a carbonated drink: soda or pop. While continually patting his hand against the baby's back, he meandered around the hotel lounge's perimeter, gazing at the walls and decorations with less than semi-interest; after all, his first priority was to get some kind of reaction from the baby he held. There was no reaction, so the wait continued.

And continued.

And went on.

And on and on…

It felt like simple minutes had bled into hours. Marth was growing exasperated and Link and Roy were *still* arguing so he didn't bother calling them over for help. Instead, he increased the strength of his pats---they were still soft but it was a significant upsurge, nonetheless. 

In spite of everything, there was no reaction from Loki. 

Was Marth doing something wrong? Or---?

Suddenly, Loki shifted slightly within Marth's arms and released the softest burp the Prince had ever heard. He had to admit: it was kind of cute. In some sick Huggies Commercial sort of way.

_Yeah, that's it!_ Marth's lips spread into a smile. He continued patting Loki until the infant could breathe normally and burp no more; then he ceased the patting. A peculiar smell lingered after his first ever baby-burping session ended but he paid it no mind. He continued to hold Loki against his shoulder, elated beyond description for all that was left was for Loki to fall asleep and this nightmare would finally come to an end!

There was a sudden knock on the door and since Link and Roy were discussing something heatedly, Marth took it upon himself to answer it, silently praying that Peach and the girls did not return from their trip to the mall.

Luckily (for Marth anyway) neither Peach, Daisy, nor Zelda were present at the door. Only Samus Aran, sans her space suit. She wore a white crew tee and jeans in her infamous armor's stead, revealing herself---something she rarely ever did, especially with the infatuated Captain Falcon on the prowl. 

The Prince then shook his head, snapping back into reality. "Hey Samus."

The athletically built woman tried her best to seem oblivious to the child in Marth's arms and to Link and Roy's arguing in the background, but she couldn't help but arch her eyebrows at the former. "Hello Marth. Um… Is Daisy in?"

Marth shook his head slightly so as not to disturb Loki. "Nope. She went out with Peach and Zelda. It's just me and Dumb and Dumber in here now, although I can't decide which of the two is Dumber… " He paused. "Why, what's up?"

"Oh, I just came by to borrow that Original Sin DVD of hers, that's all…"

Hope washed over Marth suddenly, like a squall. His eyes went wide, making the usually stoic Samus appear to be quite uncomfortable, perhaps even afraid, around him. "So then that means you're free, right?" he asked her.

"Yes…"

At the sound of that, Marth's free hand reached and clutched desperately to the fabric of Samus' shirt. The bounty hunter could have sworn tears were going to pour down the prince's face like waterfalls. "PLEASE! You have GOT to help us!" his voice was just short of begging. 

Samus couldn't help but pity him. She acquiesced. "Um, okay. Marth. Take it easy. First, let go of my shirt." 

Marth did as Samus told him. 

"Next, tell me what's going on."

"Stupid Roy blindly talked his way into babysitting Peach's baby cousin Loki!"

"Loki…?" Samus repeated questionably. Then she shook her head, realizing she was only going to arouse more questions if she lingered on that topic any further. "Nevermind. And thirdly…"

"Yeah?"

"What's that smell?"

Marth's indigo colored eyebrows furrowed when he saw the unpleasant look on Samus' face. So she smelled the peculiar scent, too… "I… Don't know…"

Samus sighed and stepped into the hotel lounge, closing the door behind her. "Give me the baby, Marth." 

When Marth gratefully, and gently, handed Loki over to Samus, they noticed a small, peachy-colored substance messily splattered around the baby's mouth. Very familiar… Marth panicked and glanced over his shoulder. Peering down, he noticed a larger accumulation of the same substance staining his royal blue cloak. The realization slapped him across the face.

Loki had vomited on him.

And Link and Roy were still arguing.

***  
  
**A/N:** Too short? If so, sorry! ^^;   
Epilogue comes up after this! XD I want to take the time to thank each and every person who has given me feedback on this! I really appreciate it! ^_^ You've all given me the motivation to start working on another SSBM fanfic. What's it about? Not telling. ^_~ But if you really wanna know, just, um, e-mail me. =B  Once again, thank you!  *hands out Pocky*  
mature@fanfiction.net

**Omake:** Samus Aran, armor-less, from the Super Metroid 'good' ending!  
http://www.kyokusanagi.com/samus.gif  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Three Swordsmen and a Baby**

**Disclaimer:** Nothing's changed; Nintendo owns everything but this fic. -_-;   
**Author's Notes:** Fungaah! The final chapter to my favorite characters' MISadventures in Babysitting! Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me through this! ^_^,v,,  (ß peace sign)

* * * 

"Who would have thought that lightly patting your hand against a baby's bottom would eventually lull him to sleep?"

"You know, Loki is cute when he's not pulling our ears off, or vomiting down our backs, or throwing food at us, or wailing, or poopi---"

"Roy?"

"Yeah, Link?"

"We get the picture."

The redhead smiled sheepishly. He and his two allies in this ordeal breathed with relief, looking down upon the peaceful face of the infant in his slumber upon the couch. The past hour had been as equally serene for him, Link, and Marth thanks to some *hired* help. In fact, the entire mess that had become of the hotel lounge room was cleaned and no traces of a few chaotic hours were evident. One could have entered and assumed that the baby Loki had been asleep the entire time and no one would argue.

Of course, only the three swordsmen knew of the actual horror they had experienced with the infant. They were also keen on not letting anyone outside of the trio learn about it.

Marth carefully pulled the baby blanket over Loki's diminutive form as he spoke, "Why are babies so perfect and cute and angelic when they're asleep but when they're awake, they're little Gremlins?" he rhetorically asked.

"Gremlins?" Roy twitched his lip in thought. "I dunno. I always thought Gizmo was kind of cute…"

Roy glanced to Marth and Link. They were regarding him with the same dubious glances from before, when he had mentioned reading Motherhood Magazine. "…Oh, come on! Like you never found yourself humming his cute little song before?" he asked them, defensively.

Link opened his mouth to voice his opinion on the matter but was interrupted by the sound of three familiar Princesses returning from their lengthy shopping trip just down the hall from the lounge. Alarmed, Roy reacted by leaping onto the recliner and crossing his legs, pretending to read the Super Smash Brothers directory. Marth shot up to a stand and scurried to the folding table where his freshly cleaned cloak awaited him. Link, however, was left with nothing to do so he began scurrying about the room like a chicken with its head cut off as the other two whispered harshly toward him.

By the time the key card was inserted into the door's slot, Link had found a sudden 'interest' in a potted plant.

Daisy was the first to enter. Her cheerful voice sang out for all to hear, "Hi guys! We're ba---"

The three male babysitters, however, interrupted that cheerful voice, curtly. "Sssssssssssh!"

The remaining females entered quietly after Daisy, numerous shopping bags in their hands. No wonder they took so long. They paused and gawked at the sleeping Loki and clean room, their jaws slack agape with amazement.

Roy placed the directory aside. "Hey girls," he said softly so as not to wake the child. A dulcet, albeit fake, smile was plastered on his face. "Have fun on your trip?"

The girls were too stunned to even respond to that.

Zelda noticed Link standing next to a potted plant. She couldn't help but wonder what was so interesting about it…and why in the world he was standing next to it. "Link?"

"Yeah?" his voice came out like a suppressed squeal.

"Why are you standing beside that plant…?"

"Because… I…" Link fumbled around for an adequate response. His eyes were kept on the same level as Zelda's but he knew all eyes were on him. Daisy and Peach peered at him in question while Roy and Marth were shooting him looks that revealed malicious intent if he were to spill the beans.

"Because I…am a child of the forest. Isn't it natural for me to have a green thumb?" he hastily countered.

"Well, yes," Zelda said with a blink, "but that's a synthetic plant."

"…Zelda, Zelda, Zelda." Link held his hand against his sternum, looking positively affected by the Princess's words. "My love for plants knows no…er…texture. I love *all* plants. Synthetic and authentic alike."

Zelda had nothing to say to that and Link wasn't about to give her a chance to dwell on her suspicious thoughts, either. He turned his gaze to Princess Peach, smiling.

"Peach, your cousin is a little…" Link swallowed the lump in his throat. Demon was what he desperately wanted to say, but his masculine pride was at stake here. As were his personal safety and long-term health. "Angel. Not a trouble for any one of us."

"Isn't he?" The blonde Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom smiled. She glanced around the suspiciously quiet room and spotted a cloak-less Marth from the corner of her eye. Like Link, there was something odd about the way he stood beside the folding table but she couldn't put her finger on it.

Marth noticed Peach's gaze and immediately reacted. "What?" he asked her, blinking. He 'innocently' gazed around him and 'just noticed' the cloak on the table. "Oh, that? Heh heh! There was a little case of Loki spilling prune juice on it, but it's okay now!"

"But there's no prune juice in the baby bag…"

_Uh oh!_ "Ah, grape or something. Sometimes, you can never tell what with all those similar colors!" Marth hoped he had made the save.

Peach's face, however, still revealed her doubts. She squinted at him. "The juice was---"

Suddenly, Roy leapt to his feet. "Holy gibblefritz!!" Everyone turned to him. "Free facials with the purchase of a Gerudo Press-On Nail Kit at Nabooru's!" he stared at the yellow-paged directory in his hands.

Daisy's attention was snagged instantly, as were Zelda's and Peach's. "Let me see that…!" 

The three women crowded around Roy to get a good look at the advertisement in the directory. It was then Marth and Link realized that the witty Roy had made the save for them.

Some time later, Peach had Loki placed in the crib in her own hotel room, allowing the infant some rest within a peaceful boundary. The six adults were gathered in the boisterous hotel lounge once more. That signaled the end of the trials and tribulations of the three swordsmen.  Luckily for them, neither of the three Princesses were aware of what had *exactly* went on; every time a question came up, one of the three lads would respond with some outlandish interruption or a clever excuse. All to save their manly honor and dignity.

"You know," Peach said as the group was settled down for a night of watching movies, "I must say that I am terribly impressed with the three of you."

Daisy bit down on a potato chip. "Yeah. I seriously thought you guys were going to ring one of us up and beg like puppies for our help."

"I think I speak for the three of us when I say: we stand corrected," Zelda chimed in.

Humble smiles and faint blushes graced the handsome faces of the three men. Although Link and Marth maturely took their compliments quietly, the youngest of the three, Roy, was never one to skip out on a chance to speak his mind. Or brag, or whatever. "It was as easy as pie!" he said with a big ol' grin.

"It was?" Daisy smiled at him.

"Yep! Nothing us three can't handle, right guys?" Roy nudged his two friends with his elbows.

The false smiles they wore threatened to remain frozen forever on their faces.

"Is that so?" Peach smiled.

"Natch!"

Peach clapped her gloved hands together. "Oh, that's great! My triplet cousins Baal, Beelzebub, and Mephisto are coming over to visit and that falls on the same day as this Duran Duran reunion concert we want to attend!"

"Nothin' to it, Peachy," Roy said with complete and utter disregard to the origins of the names of the triplets.

To this, Marth glanced to Link. The blonde Hylian nodded once in return.

"Um. Can you ladies please excuse us?" Marth asked politely. 

Link stood. "We need to have a word with Roy."

The three Princesses nodded. Link and Marth grabbed onto Roy's respective arms tightly, evoking a wince and a confused glance from the young redhead as they led him out of the door.

"Hey guys," Roy began, his eyebrows arching high up on his forehead as he was dragged through the hallways of the hotel, "mind telling me what's this all about?" 

Along their way, the three males spotted Samus Aran. She passed by them, smirking and audibly counting the wad of bills she carried in her hands. "Twenty dollars, forty dollars, fifty dollars, seventy dollars, eighty dollars…"

"I'M GONNA BE HERE ALL NIGHT!!! SOMEBODY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!"

Those were among the *cleaner* words poor Roy shouted out at the top of his lungs from his position on the HAL Flag Pole. It turned out that Link and Marth didn't share any words with him, much to the youth's initial surprise. They quietly and callously proceeded to handcuff Roy to the pole, which was in the very center of the Super Smash Plaza. Come morning ceremonies, everyone would see him.

Not only that, Link decided to use this opportunity to take a stab at revenge (for revealing his Martha Stewart secret) and stripped the poor boy down to just his heart-patterned boxers.

When their work was done, Link and Marth returned to their appropriate hotel rooms, preparing to turn in for a well-deserved rest.

Roy was left out to possibly rot in the breezy summer evening. He desperately tried to pull himself free but was restrained to the rattling handcuffs tightly bound about the sturdy steel pole. 

"YOU GUYYYYYYYYYYS! THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE! LET ME GOOOOOOOO!!!"

* * * *

  
**A/N:** The end!  ^^;   
Sorry if this seemed lame and/or a bit rushed, but I had some pressing matters to deal with, so I had to dish this out as soon as possible before I'd end up neglecting it.   
I had a blast with this fic; I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. A special thank you and a Chic-O-Stick go out to everyone that has given me feedback on this fic! Your comments are what drive me to write! ^_^ I couldn't have done it without you. Thanks!  
mature@fanfiction.net  
(read my other stuff please? =B)


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